FIRST DATES – WHO SHOULD PAY?


The other day at work, I sparked an interesting conversation asking my colleagues who they feel should pay on the first date. I got more than I bargained for with some of the opinions that came out.

Bianca

Feels it’s wrong to go on a date expecting the man to pay, she would rather go half’s on the bill. This way she does not feel in debt to the man and he does not feel entitled to sexual privileges. She has her own money and can pay her own way.

AJ

Claims he’s old school and thinks the man should always pay on the first date. That said, he expect the woman to at least offer some contribution towards the bill. If she doesn’t, he’ll still pay but the chance of a second date is slim because he’d have the impression that she came on the date with the assumption that it’s his responsibility to pay the bill and that’s not right.

Liz

Thinks the man should always pay on the first date. She feels a man paying on the first date shows that he’s thoughtful and able to take care of a lady, which to her is endearing. She would bring along her own money to avoid any awkward situation and happy to go half’s if necessary but there probably won’t be a second date on the cards.

James

Feel it should depend on ‘Ratings’. Basically he would rate his date on a scale of 1 – 10, 10 being most beautiful, and would only pay if she’s a 6 and above. If she’s a 5 or less, chances are he won’t be seeing her again so he’s unbothered about how she feels about going half’s.

Josh (ME):

I feel the man should pay for the first date because as men, it is healthy for our ego and it leaves a good impression that can be built on.

I agree with Liz, one of the reasons I always paid for first dates was to show that I am man enough right from the start. Not in an arrogant way, but in a way that says that I’m able to show you a good time at the same time take care of you. It’s not saying you as a woman cannot care for yourself, it’s more that when we men find a woman attractive, it is natural for us to take the lead and want to make her feel like a queen. On a first date, paying for the bill is one way to show this, and it is our way of showing interest.

Also I see the man paying as just a gentlemanly thing to do. It is no different from holding the door for a woman to walk through or pulling out a chair for her to sit, it is a nice touch and I’m yet to meet a woman who is too independent to appreciate nice gestures.

Should the woman at least offer to contribute to the bill? In my opinion – Absolutely. Most men would see you as independent and that you hold yourself in high regards, which is a good standard to set.

I appreciate Bianca’s point, and it’s cool that she would come on the date with that mind set. That said, it is possible that if as a woman you insist on paying your share of the bill, some men would assume lack of interest – I know I would. It’s an ego thing! Same way a man would come across as a d*** if he’s arrogant or feels entitled because he’s paying for the date. I always say – let me get this one and if you’re happy to do this again, you can get the next one. That tends to work and bag me a second date.

There’s more to a date than who pays, but I think it is still important for the woman to let the man show he is into you, and a man that’s into you gives in totality both his time and money. I would even go as far as saying that more times than not, if a man allows you to go half’s on the first date, he’s probably not that into you.

I would love to hear your first date experiences, please comment below or get in touch anonymously on the ‘contact me’ page.

Thanks for reading

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SHOULD IT MATTER IF YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT SHARE THEIR PHONE/ EMAIL PASSWORD WITH YOU?


Following my last post, a reader emailed me asking for my thoughts on whether partners or married couples should share phone passcode or email password with each other.

Thankfully my wife and I are now at a level where we know each other’s phone passcodes and email passwords, and we are comfortable giving that access to each other. That said, it didn’t happen for us overnight, we had our challenges along the way.

At the beginning of our relationship, we had several arguments over phone access. For me it was an expectation thing; relationships should be about sharing and openness, and I could not get my head round why she would not want to share her phone passcode with me. For her it was a case of this is my space and I don’t have to share my details if I didn’t want to.

Neither of us were wrong in our perspective but still, I had suspicions in my head – ‘What could she possibly be hiding?’ There was this time, I figured out her password and went through her phone just to satisfy my curiosity, she found out and it led to a massive argument that almost broke the relationship. I can still remember her saying in this still, cold voice – ‘If you don’t trust me, there’s no point of you being here.’

That incident made me question my motive. My issue was not necessarily trust, although that was how it came across. Rather it was expectation that was not being met; based on my idea of what the qualities of a good relationship are – openness, sharing and being a team. I expected something like sharing phon­­e access to come as part of the relationship. My problem was that I wanted that immediately, and that’s common for a lot of relationships. Over the years however, I’ve learnt that not everything we expect or look forward to in a relationship comes as part of it, there are some things we have to work on and earn or just be patient about, especially when it has to do with the other person’ space or privacy.

If you are having issue about phone or social media access in your relationship, you have to ask yourself, is it that you do not trust your other half or is it something you just feel you’re entitled to as part of the relationship of expectation?

If it is a question of trust, talk about why you’re struggling to trust your partner. Do not feel guilty about being called ‘insecure’ if your partner’s behavioural patterns are causing you to question trust in your relationship – such as not opening their messages when they are next to you, or if they are not comfortable leaving their phone around. . I’ve always said trust is not an entitlement, it’s something you earn. Rather than playing detective and piecing together clues on your partner’s phone, have an open conversation with your partner about it and make your decision based on the outcome of your conversation.

Do I think partners should share their phone passcode with each other? Absolutely! I feel openness in every aspect is vital to the growth of every relationship especially marital relationships. I appreciate the need to both partners to have their respective spaces but not at the expense of making your other half feel like you’re hiding something from them, therefore making them feel insecure. That said, if your partner trusts you with their details, it is equally important to respect their space. I dated my wife for about 5 years and within that period we have grown comfortable to respect each other’s space. I wouldn’t go into her girls group chat, and if I did, I know it’s at my own peril, same goes for her. This way the relationship doesn’t feel like a prison sentence where one party feels they are being monitored.

If your partner is not sharing their details, pestering is not the way forward. It just makes you look insecure. Focus on building friendship within the relationship; good communication, openness and trust would follow. At least that was what I found in my situation.

How have you tackled the issue of phone, email or social media password in your present or past relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts – comment below or anonymously leave a message in the contact us page.

Thanks for readingRead More »

‘WHY DOES HE NOT WANT ME?’


I speak with a number of females about men issues and often I hear the question ‘Why does he not want me despite all I do for him’ when talking about the guy who is not giving back the same level of affection or commitment you’re investing into him.

What I find interesting is the way some of you whether consciously or subconsciously make excuse for the guy’s behaviour. He’s not texting back because he’s ‘busy’ or he’s not expressing his feelings because he’s ‘shy’’. By doing this, you take away every responsibility from the guy and you’re left with the burden of driving the situation. This is where you start guessing what you think he wants and start moulding yourself to fit him in the hope that you’ll win his heart. I get it, at the end of the day we’re all human. No one enjoys feeling not good enough especially when you’re putting yourself on the line, being vulnerable.

Sadly, some of you stay in this emotional roundabout for months, even years. Hoping that the more you play the girlfriend/ wifey role, he’ll one day change his mind. I knew a girl who went above and beyond for this guy she thought was the ‘one’, even though he blatantly told her he wasn’t yet ready for a relationship. She was giving him girlfriend’s benefit hoping this would change his mind. After about 7 months he stopped calling or texting back, she later found out he was with another girl and got engaged to her few months after.

I feel the thing to realise is that men think differently from women. If a man does not see you as someone he wants to build with, it does not matter who you are and what you do, you’ll struggle to have 100% of his attention. The tactic of throwing yourself at him rarely works either. Most times, all you’re doing when you keep throwing yourself at a man is feeding his ego with junk and the more you continue, the more unhealthy his ego gets. He starts to feel almighty and indispensable, seeing you as something he got as oppose to someone he wants.

This sort of predicament starts as a result of tolerating being treated less in the hope they become who you’d like them to be as oppose to just accepting them based on the character they show you. My advice to you would be to stop chasing or trying to fit yourself into a man’s agenda, let him decide if he wants you. Easier said than done, I know. You have to understand that as men, our ego plays a central role in the decisions we make, a man takes pride in going after and getting what he wants as oppose to what he gets. So if you want to flip the state of play, challenge his ego! Tell him, ‘this is what I’m worth, are you able to pay the cost or not.’ Now he has to evaluate and make a decision, which can lead to 2 different outcomes;

  • He never saw much value in you in the first place, he stops making contact and moves on someone else. I can understand this can be difficult to take especially when you’re fully sold on the guy and you’ve made him ‘The One’ in your head. You’ll suffer withdrawal symptoms where you just want to call him to check if he’s changed his mind. Try not to! The more days you go without him, the strong you’ll get emotionally and mentally. Sooner or later, you’ll be in a position to find someone who sees your worth and willing to do what it takes to have and keep you.

 

  • He can complicate things for you by putting in more effort; returning your calls and texts immediately, you get the pass code to his mobile, and even get to meet his friends and family. At this point you’re thinking and telling your girlfriends, He’s different now, he must really want to be with me, otherwise why would he be doing this much?’ Don’t get carried away just yet. It can be he’s actually changed for real or it could just be that he enjoys the junk you’re feeding his ego and still wants that feeling of superiority so he doesn’t want to let go yet.

The way to source him out is to hold back on the benefit he’s used to receiving. Show him your value instead and see how he reacts. If he really wants you, he will become more drawn towards your value as oppose to just the benefits.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to read your thoughts so please feel free to comment below.

PS. I’m always looking for new topics to write about. So if there’s a particular topic you’d like to read or get a man’s view on, you can email me: joshlovetalk@gmail.com or tweet me – @josh_lovetalk

 

 

 

WOMEN WOULD YOU PROPOSE TO A MAN? MEN WOULD YOU WANT A WOMAN TO PROPOSE TO YOU?


Few weeks ago, one of my favorite relationship bloggers –  Tin got in touch saying she was writing a piece about women proposing and would like my perspective as a man on the topic. Check out our views on the topic…

Tinz’s view

I know I know it’s the 21st century, what may not have been the norm a few years ago is now the norm. However in regards to a woman proposing to a man my views are very much old school/traditional let’s say and I am sure I am not alone.

Let me be honest, I give absolute props and admiration to women that propose to men, because I certainly wouldn’t have the balls to do so. This shows so many attributes, confidence being one of the ones that stand out, which I would commend her for. It also shows us that she will go for what she wants despite what society makes us believe is to be expected and the stereotypes that exist.

The media definitely plays a significant role in shaping our views on this topic. We are constantly shown images and videos of a man proposing to a woman. Engagement rings that are constantly advertised are very gender specific and aimed for women. Of course a woman proposing to a man does not occur as frequently as a man proposing to a woman. However it does happen and scenarios such as this should be portrayed.

Personally I cannot picture myself taking the steps to propose to my man, of course I can never say never but it’s very very unlikely I should say. I have imagined and pictured from a young age how amazing a proposal would be and it has never involved me being the one that’s asking for a partners hand in marriage.

As women the majority of us strive for equality and rightly so, but I do believe in some aspects of life there are some roles a man should take and some a woman should take. For me I would like my man to initiate this and take the lead in this aspect of moving our relationship forward.

This is just my personal opinion and preference; however I am a strong believer that as individuals we should do what we want to do regardless of what is considered to be the right way. Who decides what is the right way anyway? The answer is it comes down to you, the final decision lies in your hands. Don’t base your actions on the opinions of others, if you want to make your boyfriend your fiancé then go for it.

I am a woman so I cannot put myself in a man shoes, so I teamed up with my fellow relationship blogger friend Josh for this one so I could get a male perspective on this topic .

My view

When Tin told me about this topic, my immediate question was – Why would you as a woman even feel the need to propose to your man?

I get the man and women are equals and if can man can propose, the woman should be able to do the same if she wants. That being said, being equal doesn’t mean we are the same.

One of the differences is our ego. We men have a special relationship with our ego and a lot of time we make decisions based on how it stimulates our ego. I’m not saying you cannot or should not propose to your man, but you saying yes to us would do more for our ego, which affects how we see and appreciate you than us saying yes to you.

Also we are leaders by nature and like to take control as well as influence. I’m yet to meet a man that would like to get married but he’s waiting for his woman to propose first. if a man wants to marry you, he would ask you and if we are not asking, it’s normally for at least one of 3 reasons:

– We do not want to marry you (or anybody else)

– We are not yet sure if being married to you would be good for us

– We are not yet ready to get married because we cannot guarantee that level of commitment or we’re still chasing other things.

So why would you even want to propose to someone that’s not in a state to get married to you?

I have found that some women just want to believe what’s in their head, regardless of what’s staring them in the face. No MAN is too shy or scared to ask for what he really wants, so don’t feel the need to take the initiative on our behalf. Also if you are going to take the lead, you have taken what makes us feel like men, so don’t be surprised when you end up with a boy, and you have to take the lead on everything – money, bills, kids, school etc.

I can imagine how frustrating it can be for a woman waiting on her partner whilst factoring age and her close friends getting married. However if we have a good thing, I’d rather her ask me about my intentions than her proposing to me. When I proposed to my wife, that worm I had in my stomach when I asked her parents, bought the ring, getting down on one knee and hearing her say yes was priceless. It felt like I won the lottery and it could not have been the same if she had proposed to me. I probably would have laughed and thought it was a prank.

Thanks so much for reading. We would love to hear your thoughts on this, so please feel free to share your thoughts below or at joshlovetalk@gmail.com

SHOULD OUR RELATIONSHIP GOALS BE BASED ON WHAT WE SEE ON SOCIAL MEDIA?


 

Hey everyone, hope you’re well. Sorry it’s been a while but I’m back with another post, this time about relationship goals on social media.

With the increasing effect of social media, I see a lot of people obsessing over couples’ video clips and pictures online – describing them as ‘goals’. Seeing so many #RelationshipGoals in my Instagram feed brought about the question for me – Should we be setting our relationship aspirations based on beautiful pictures and video clips we see on social media?

Personally I feel it is fine to draw inspiration from other people’s relationships. The problem is when we base our idea of what a relationship should be on what looks good in a picture or video.

We all like to look good in front of others and social media has become the place to do this. Lots of people are using online platform to create the lifestyle they want people to believe they are living. So believing that every couple’s picture or video clips you see online is the ideal can lead to having unrealistic expectations and comparisons.Read More »

THE 21ST CENTURY GUIDE TO DATING


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Hi all, hope you are well and having a lovely week. I’m back with another post, this time teaming up with UK Blog Awards finalist – Debrae to discuss why dating sometimes goes wrong. Debrae would offer reasons as to why women may mess up during the dating process, whilst I would serve as the voice for men.

Debrae Says

Ladies, have you been left wondering why you haven’t had any success with dating as of late?  Below, I will expand on a few reasons why this could be. You may want to jot down these pointers…

  •  Expecting too much, too soon

As women, let’s be honest. We are usually driven by emotion and at times we can let our feelings get the best of us. A man can simply glance in our direction and we’re already planning the perfect wedding. When dating a potential partner, it is important to acknowledge the keyword; potential. Some women are stressed at the fact that homeboy hasn’t introduced her to friends and family after the second date. I would advise you to remember that you are in the beginning stages of what could turn into something serious. As difficult as it may be, try not to get carried away, it is perfectly normal if he hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend after a few dates. Some people believe in love at first sight and may know exactly who it is they wish to be with instantly whilst it may take others longer to come to this decision. Enjoy dating for what it is initially; a process.

  •  Dating for the wrong reasons 

I don’t know about you guys but when I go on a date and I am not attracted to the man in any way, it shows. My lack of enthusiasm and interest will definitely communicate that message to him. Some women go on dates for free food or simply date out of boredom/loneliness. When a woman is desperate for a boyfriend, believe it or not, men can sense this which will turn him off or worse, he will use this to his advantage and try his luck as he knows you will tolerate anything just to bag a title. Pretty soon, the guy will pick up on the fact that he has become your personal chauffeur/ bank and may put an end to things. No one likes being used.

  •  Giving too much, too soon

This generation encourages women to do the most for men that are not their husbands, talk less of being in an official relationship. Nothing has been cemented between the both of you but here you are playing Polly the housewife, paying for his phone bill, cooking for him on demand and of course giving him that good good. All this without any commitment. Why would he feel the need to put a title on anything when everything is coming his way, with no hassle and no questions. For now.

Regardless of how new age society paints it, giving too much to a guy too soon, leaves no room for the thrill of a chase. It gives them nothing to work for.

  •  Not making expectations clear from the start

When two people start dating, it is important that both parties are clear on what they expect. This is because one person may be looking for a serious relationship after dating for a while, at the same time, the other person may simply be out for a bit of ‘fun’. By stating what they expect from the beginning, feelings are less likely to get hurt and both parties can make informed decisions on whether or not they would like to continue seeing each other.

  •  Having unrealistic benchmarks

With the rising impact of social media, it is becoming increasingly common for couples and people in general to compare their lives to what they see online. When dating, individuals try to imitate what they see on Instagram or are left disappointed as their expectations do not live up to what is seen across online platforms. It is important to appreciate the efforts your potential partner puts in. So don’t feel offended if your date doesn’t book you a table at the Shard accompanied by a quartet playing a beautiful melody with 500 roses beneath your feet. After all, you are just getting to know each other.

Josh says

Fellas, here are some of the things I feel are getting in our way of successfully dating and progressing our date into the relationship phase…

  • Inconsistency in our words and actions

As men, expressing how we feel is not particularly our strongest point. Nevertheless, there should be consistency and correlation between our words and action, so the woman is assured of our feelings and where things stand between both of you. Don’t tell her you’re on it, then go ghost on her for few days without reason, and pop back up when you feel like it, trying to continue things like you never left. As much as you don’t want to come across too eager, you also don’t want to keep her second guessing how serious you are about her.

  • Lack of confidence

It is common knowledge that confidence is an attractive feature; so it is important that as a man, you carry yourself in a way that says you are comfortable in your own skin. An act of confidence is when a man takes control of the dating situation; expressing yourself and letting your true character show forth.

  • Bringing sex in prematurely

I feel women know the deal when it comes to men and sex. However, this does not mean they are alright with making them feel like a grab and smash job. They still want to feel wanted and cared for, that you are actually interested in them beyond their ‘box’. So asking for nudes after a few WhatsApp messages, or talking about ‘when you coming to mine’ before even taking her out for a date can be a turn-off and lead to your number being blocked

  • Inability to listen and pay attention

Getting to know the other person and progress a dating situation would require consistent communication. The ability to listen and pay attention is integral to this. We men, tend to develop short attention spans when women go into topics that are not pertaining to our interest – Makeup, choosing between a nude and red shoe to go with a black dress, amongst other things. Although these (to us) are trivial issues, they hold high importance to women, and listening not only helps us to better understand her personality but also shows that we care and are interested in who she is.

  • Trying too hard to impress

It’s in a man’s nature to try to impress a woman who he’s attracted to. That said, some guys go overboard and create perceptions that are not true. Trying too hard to impress a woman can be off-putting; whether that is embellishing your financial status or trying to be something you’re not because you think that’s what she wants. It is always better to be yourself and find someone who wants you for you.

  • Our Ego

We all have egos but as men, sometimes we can get bogged down with feeding our egos to the extent that we lose the essence of dating. Guys who don’t have their ego under control expect everything to work in their favour and according to their plans. When it doesn’t, all peace and harmony is lost. This hinders the other person from freely expressing themselves and also makes you look like a control freak, which is rarely deemed attractive.

From us to you…

Josh – I must say from a man’s perspective I completely agree with Debrae’s points, particularly the point of ‘giving too much too soon’. As men, our ego will not allow us to settle for a woman that we consider ‘easy’. We take pride in putting in work and earning not what we are given freely but what we work for. So if you’re dating and he’s not putting in work to win your heart, chances are you’re probably ‘easy’ or he’s just not interested.

Debrae – From the points made by Josh, it’s refreshing to see that there are men out there that ‘get it‘. I definitely agree with the point of ‘bringing in sex prematurely‘ in addition to ‘trying too hard to impress‘.  No matter how good-looking a man is, it’s an immediate turn-off when they start making sexual references so early. As for the famous phrase ‘so, when are you coming to mine?’,  Josh didn’t lie. It’s an instant block 🙂

More importantly, I admire when a guy can be himself, not feeling the need to show off or draw attention to his accolades excessively. A quiet confidence is always good.

Finally, dating can be a great experience. Enjoy the process!

Thanks for reading and please feel free to share your thoughts or questions below

 

 

 

WHY DO WE STAY IN BAD RELATIONSHIPS UNTIL WE ARE BROKEN?


 

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Last week, #HurtBae was trending on Twitter. It was an emotional short video about this guy confessing to his girlfriend that he had been cheating on her. I was sad to see this poor girl crying her eyes out to a man who had blatantly disrespected her –  through his lack of remorse he shows that he does not care about her and would like to call time on their relationship. I can’t imagine the pain she’d had to go through but it was evident that their relationship had been toxic for a while and although she was emotionally broken, she clearly still loves the guy.

I empathize with her situation, as I have been in a toxic relationship and know how difficult things can be. I was once in relationship where I was not appreciated and my feelings were not regarded. At the peak of things, I could not completely be myself, treading carefully as though walking on eggshells. I gave her all of me, she was in control of my mood and dictated the tone of the relationship. It was emotionally tiring to say the least. The question to ask is why do we stay and endure toxic situations/ relationships until we are broken and emotionally drained? Why don’t we just walk away?Read More »